1

The Grease Medley - The Cast of Grease

Loved by middle-aged Anglo Saxon people who have no sense of rhythm but like to demonstrate that they know the actions. If you asked a computer to produce a track that was impossible to dance to, this would be the result.

2

YMCA - Village People

The song itself isn’t that bad really, but it’s those actions. Do we really have to show each other over and over again that we can form four letters of the alphabet with our arms? How is this enjoyable? And why does the PTA think this is an acceptable song to play at the primary school disco?

3

Hi Ho Silver Lining - Jeff Beck

Here we go, everybody join in the chorus.  “Hi (punch the air once) Ho (punch the air again) Silver Lining”. There, that was fun wasn’t it? We can do it again in a minute.  Pity we can’t learn any more of the words no matter how many times we hear it, apart from a few clever souls who can also remember the words “sun is shining”.  Jeff Beck is one of the great electric guitarists of all time, and I understand he hates this song, so can’t we show the man some respect and play something else?

4

Beatles and Abba Medleys - Stars On 45

And while we’re at it, every other medley produced by Stars on 45 or Jive Bunny or anybody else. If I’m dancing to one thing, I don’t want it to change abruptly into something else after 15 seconds.  My attention span will last the whole 3 minutes, thank you. Great for lazy disc jockeys, rubbish for everybody else.

5

Superman - Black Lace

With this record Black Lace took the concept of the crap-song-with-actions as far as it could go, and then a little further. Great for children’s parties but not for grown-up ones. The Black Lace website says a DJ without a Black Lace record is not a DJ; I beg to differ on this point.

6

Wipeout - The Surfaris

Great record, but sadly we all have to stick our arms out horizontally and pretend we are on surfboards until it stops.

7

Come On Eileen - Dexy’s Midnight Runners

I can’t quite put my finger on why I don’t like this. Probably I’ve just heard it too many times.  It’s a bit irritating the way the tempo slows down then speeds up, but tempo isn’t an issue for most of the people in the discos I go to. 

8

We Are The Champions/We Will Rock You/Radio Ga Ga - Queen

These are suitable for football matches and other stadium events where people wave their arms in the air, not discos. There are other Queen tunes which are much more suitable (but not Bohemian Rhapsody, please).

10

Hey Baby - DJ Otzi

No explanation necessary.

11

Rock DJ  - Robbie Williams

How do you dance to this?  Oompah - Oompah - Oompah... some sort of Bavarian lederhosen vibe there maybe.

And now it’s time to slow things down a bit... 

12

Lady in Red - Chris de Burgh

Sexist crap.

13

Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton

Ditto. Let’s face it, it’s the same song.

14

I Will Always Love You - Witney Houston

The object of her love is presumably either deaf or in another (non-adjacent) country.  The only possible useful application for this record would be to prevent ships running aground in fog.